Will it be merely a wake up call?

I’m awaiting surgery. In 5 days, I will be put under anaesthesia and a lymph node will be removed from my neck for biopsy. Worst case, it’s metastatic melanoma. Best case, it’s benign and I”ll be awakened to the knowledge that I have to do better in order to live my “#best life”.

Part of me wants the challenge of cancer. Part of me wants to be in for the fight of my life, deserving of sympathy and folks I’ve known coming out of the blue to offer support. I know that’s sick in the head, too. But as a 41 year old woman with no close friends or meaningful relationships, no children, no husband, no love of my life that isn’t an embarrassing story to tell or feeling to feel, I frankly don’t have a lot to live for.

I have a skills-oriented job with a decent employer that offers reasonable job security and benefits, and I’m fortunate to be off work on sick leave while I await this surgery, and will have disability benefits at 70% pay if I am sick enough to need treatment. That’s a thing I am grateful for, but I definitely don’t want to go back to the status quo. There isn’t enough opportunity there, it’s just a good job where HR calls itself talent acquisition but no talent is actually required or incentivized. It’s the type of place I’d be stoked to be, if I didn’t need the job that I do to provide meaning and excitement in my life. With nothing outside work to give my life meaning, the simplest solution is to start applying myself to extracurricular projects or work that will create some.

There’s a lot I want to do in life. I want to find love. I want to see the world. I want to foster friendships. I want to inspire people and share knowledge and grow wise. I’d like to be needed, and feel like the needs I have of others are warranted and reasonable. I want opportunity and reciprocity and win-win collaborations that lead to more opportunity and reciprocity and abundance. Security and excitement at the same time – if that’s possible. I want to feel alive.

There’s a damnation of the hypothetical. My thoughts generally marinate in what ifs. It can be paralyzing. I’ve got the same fear of rejection as most people, but I’ve got zero resilience to deal with it. The fall out of inviting a friend over and being cast off for another time, leads to me just taking the hint. No one seems to be willing to just say no. I’ll assume if they wanted to do xyz plan, they would have or nailed down that future date. I’ve given up too easily with a lot of people trying to get their consideration and engagement – I’m pretty sure I’ve just tried in the wrong way … but what if I’d done this or that is such a waste of brain space. I don’t want to live in regrets of the past. You cannot learn from mistakes if there is no constructive feedback.

Hypothetical future thinking has sustained me for a long time too. But there is a fine line between it being excitement and becoming fantasy. I know I can create my own opportunity, and I intend to do just that – exploring my world and seeking the experiences that will enlighten me and forge my path. Embracing consequences that will alter my life’s trajectory.

Hypothetical present thinking, that’s my new plan. I think it’s time to be as in the now as I possibly can. I’m going to quickly play out the what ifs when considering my options for spending my free time, and just seize the day. It’s time to check some of the items off my bucket list.

If this is only a wake up call, I’m not sure I’m awake yet. I’m rotating sides in my slumber right now, trying to get comfortable for the change that has to happen. I’m going for broke… literally, spending my money is about the only thing I’m sure that I want to do before I die.