Yesterday we walked

My mother came by my place and we walked around my neighborhood, down to the park and back. It was that type of Spring day where it feels warmer than it is just because I could feel the sun on my skin for the first time in months.

I live in a community with a view of a smelter if you look in one direction, and lovely views up to mountain communities if you look in the other direction. I think the key to enjoying it here is to make sure your hammock or porch-swing or whatever home space you enjoy the outdoors from is avoiding that smelter view, which is actually quite pretty at night I must say.

Avoidance has been on my mind. I had intended to write yesterday, I had intended to get groceries and be productive, but all I did was listen to a podcast about psuedo-productivity, and it made me feel better. I do know that whatever I had done to be productive would have just been busying myself in the delusion of progress. There is not much that matters now for me except for keeping a positive head-space right now. The rest are unknowns.

I have been longing to reconnect with someone for a while now. I saw this person’s kids yesterday, and I felt nervous, but also like I’m an entirely different person and it’s definitely time to let go. I spend so much time alone that I am a complete dud when it comes to interacting with other people. Because of my own lack of connections, I don’t have a lot to offer anyone. I really only add my own person-hood to anyone’s existence, and my personality is not dynamic nor particularly gracious or giving. It is time for me to accept that, accept that everyone who left my life did so with the full intention of avoiding a person who didn’t enrich their life and didn’t offer any benefit.

Late last night, after listening to podcasts and playing a stupid match 3 game on my phone for hours, I clicked into my Gmail app on my phone and saw a very bland “Hey” message from an old acquaintance. It relieved me to be able to tell someone about my health. I kept my response brief and factual, just that I’m waiting on surgery, diagnosis, prognosis. It was weird, because it was probably a “hey, would you ever fuck me again?” type message and it may have been healthier to not respond at all.

I really want female friendships. Over the years, I have had some friends. Usually as they partnered up and had children, we grew pretty far apart. I cannot really relate to that struggle. My only advice to people in this situation is that you make it work, you find the time you need for you. It’s easier said than done, and as much as I’ll listen to anyone’s problems and try to be supportive, I figure these people need a ” I know, right” and my inability to relate from personal experience kills the conversation.

i have come to the realization that I don’t have it in me to offer romance right now. It’s funny, because that was sort of my singular focus for the last 5 years. No one wants to develop feelings for someone who might have cancer, like probably even friendship is out of the question. Who wants to love someone that might die? I know I’m not that good of a person, why should anyone else be.

Tonight, I’m going up to my mother’s for Easter dinner. There will be turkey, which is not particularly exciting. It’s funny these holiday foods should be so boring. Steak excites me more than ham or turkey, but I am not the cook and I’ll just accept it as a boomer tradition or something. If I had had a family, turkey would not have been the holiday food of choice.

I live within walking distance from the hospital where I am having my surgery. Yesterday, my walk with my mom confirmed that I can get myself to the hospital on my own two feet. It will feel like this thing is more of a choice to do that, even though she has to pick me up and monitor me for 24 hours post-op.

The hardest thing for me to accept, lump in my throat, is that “we”…when I use the word we, it’s quite probable that it will only mean me and my mother for the rest of my life. That isn’t the way it should have been. As hard on myself as I sound, that’s all coming from an appraisal of objective reality and neutral feelings. I really did have a lot more to offer when I was young.

I really hope to offer light over darkness, and insights into coping that are healthy or productive. From my antediluvian phase of reckoning, so many what ifs are being cast aside to try to be as present as possible. Just enjoy this time before the flood of relief or resolve that is bound to emerge this coming week.