Sustaining Indulgence

Today began very groggy from the generic Ambien I took last night. I did take it late, when I woke up around 1:00 am, but I’m hypersensitive to medication and that stuff seemed to stay in me until the afternoon. Overall, I woke up in good spirits.

I made my Nespresso and turned on the TV to the news, more O.J. Simpson rehash porn, so I quickly shut it off to make a very indulgent breakfast

I settled in to watch YouTube videos about how to tie a scarf. Yesterday, I bought the gorgeous Pokoloko Turkish Towel you can see above the board. Having had spinal surgery to correct scoliosis as a teen, I’ve been asymmetrical ever since. Scarves aren’t meant to be my accessory, but it’s just one of the uses mentioned by Pokoloko; wearing it had to be investigated.

I watched a few videos, but they were all for square shaped silk scarves and I abandoned them as quickly as I stopped eating my breakfast after a few bites of something all too saccharine for 9:30 am. I happened upon one about wearing a blanket scarf that was quite helpful and got a couple ideas. Different ways to tie a scarf, use it as a skirt, shawl, dress etc. Then I looked specifically for ideas on how to use a rectangular shaped scarf, and after about 30 more minutes, I was ready to try wearing my Pokoloko.

I struggled to make it look wearable on me. It’s on the thick side to be tied easily, and this is probably why Pokoloko has no content about multiple ways to wear it. Ultimately, the only way I liked wearing it was as a hair towel. This is something I think it will work well for. Utilitarian always wins for me.

So it was noon, and I’d already struggled to indulge. Perhaps me writing this blog is self-indulgent, but all day all I could think about was how it would be nice to have friends. Friends who’d jump at the opportunity to come share wine or cheesecake with me. Friends who in the grand scheme of nothing & everything better to do would settle on me being a worthy option.

I did get to tell a few people I know about my cancer diagnosis today, but it’s in the stage where I feel like I’m just pushing negativity and toxicity out there. If someone asks genuinely how I am doing, I feel like sharing is healthy, but with this disease I know I want to opt for a pull opposed to push strategy of folks finding out this news. I don’t want to force anyone into being there for me.

I wanted to get some healthy fresh food for lunch, so I walked down to Ferraro Foods and looked at their deli for some pre-made and easy chicken, which I didn’t find. I settled on a chicken cutlet, which I could pan fry when I got home, after retail therapy haul # 2.

After the grocery store, I headed to The Red Pair to see if I could outspend yesterday by getting a pair of closed toe sandals in black. I bought a pair there last year for a cousin’s wedding. There’s an excellent selection in this store, but i figure closed toe is not in fashion this year. Few people have uglier feet than I, and perhaps the year of the dragon is also the year of the pedicure.

After failing to break the bank on shoes, I continued down Columbia and popped into the Rooted Table, a new store I hadn’t been in yet, but a health food store of sorts. I found a cute bottle of rose hips, which I’m not sure how to use, except I’ve seen it as an ingredient for fancy cocktails in Taste magazine, what better time than to experiment with new tastes and ingredients.

Finally, I went to OK Gear, a consignment store for ski and outdoor apparel. I found a jacket I thought my brother might approve of and scooped it up. Again, testing the limits of my fitness and lung capacity, I began the march back up to mom’s.

I made the chicken and ate salad for lunch, throwing some raspberries in with the apple. I registered the domain for this site today, for a 2 years commitment. I’m committed to a 2 year fight to build a life I’m willing to suffer for. I’m also committed to getting better, making this more interesting. My writing will improve, I promise.

Finally, the highlight of my day was that my brother came over to visit. He told me about his work and all the skiing he’s been doing. It’s so great to hear from someone who has a life’s purpose and clear goals that he’s bound to achieve with continued hard work and dedication. I’m proud of him.

Social connection is so important to human thriving. I’m going to keep at it. It’s more than just a wake up call, it’s literal life and death now. If I cannot establish friendships and human connection and a life worth living, I’m not sure I’ll have much fight in me.