Today, I got a call from the cancer agency, and it confirmed my worst fears. This one’s going to be a pretty hard fight and I don’t have a support system in place that will make it easier. I don’t know the prognosis from words spoken to me, just the context given to me by a receptionist.
The world is crumbling all around us all the time. I feel that deep in my soul because there are promises made to us at times that are not kept. I believed I had a phone appointment with my primary medical healthcare this morning, and it didn’t come until the afternoon.
The old systems of writing things down are wasteful in a big way. You have no idea how much paper I have, how much I’ve paid for that fancy stationary. And it’s always the thing that is foisted upon me when people are trying to show that they care. I’m not ungrateful, I’m just full of negative emotions that are not at all productive to express and with no one to talk to.
I pared down my makeup this morning, into a very small parrot print makeup bag that my mother had on hand. It’s like Matryoshka dolls; the bags go with the bags, the cleansing supplies go with the cleansing supplies … and believe me when I say – some shit that other people could use just has to be garbage for me to manage my life.
When I was in hospital, I made a few vows to myself that might be impossible to sustain. Abstinence… from alcohol, unhealthy food, entertainment, sexual affection… wow! Does that seem fair or manageable as an exchange for one’s freedom?
I do still trust that the system will take care of me. But, if you are promised a call from a system that doesn’t show up, how is your faith in that system not going to be shaken? I have a lot of anxiety that is very real, but it’s not the medical problem at hand.
How am I supposed to not run to the comfort of acquaintances or strangers? If someone smarter than me has an answer, please do leave a comment because I do not want my story to be re-written.
This is my gratitude journal, believe it or not. No amount of hope, or positive thinking resolves it. I respect that there are people who know more than me and that I have to allow them to care for me. I don’t need them to censor or edit my thoughts.
Today started with a breakfast that I already knew how to make. Zero caffeine. Today involved a ton of sorting through my things, which isn’t fun for me – it’s about the most stressful thing ever. Today I ate leftovers for lunch that I reheated in the oven. Today I took all my medications as prescribed and read most of the notes that came along with them. Today I used glasses, 2 prescriptions ago, but they were good enough for what I needed them to achieve. Those are my meagre accomplishments.
Today, sadly, I was mean to my mom again, but I really need her to stop meddling. Her friends are not mine, though I believe they care. I don’t like it when people know my name and I don’t know who they are – it makes me feel like I have to stay inside all the time to avoid awkward interactions. She quite literally told everyone she knows my personal information… negating my efforts for a pull strategy for people to find out. She has left me with only her support and that’s infuriating.
I really do feel as though everyone hates me, especially when they’re just checking in to demonstrate they care for some reason I don’t know why. I don’t do that. If I’m not willing to go above and beyond for a person, I would not ask if there was anything I could do. I have a lot of needs right now that aren’t legitimate to ask for from anyone in my life and I’m so mad at myself for prioritizing my solitude, decompression, and comfort at the expense of having anyone more than acquaintances. No one knows me, definitely not my mother, her friends or my brother… it’s gross.
My love language – ugh – well gifts are not what I need right now. Nor kind words. I don’t know who I love or that I’m even capable of loving anyone but myself. But I think it’s important for me to be selfish right now.
Imbued Experiences 
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