On hypervigilance & the need for social stigmas

The point is lost on me.

Oh yeah! Now I remember what I was going to say. People probably see me as absent-minded and out of touch. I’m definitely not in touch with most of my generation’s experience. I don’t have children, will never give birth, don’t know how to relate seamlessly and I tend to make inside jokes with myself, just for my own amusement.

I have literally laughed maniacally at the first John Wick movie. I disturbed my landlord and his girlfriend deeply at the time, but the soundtrack from the movie Frozen was playing in that home rather frequently. I was bemused by the juxtaposition of media choices. One for you, one for me, I assume.

That girl was endlessly kind. Destined for motherhood. But the words “ew, don’t put on acoustic Radiohead, I want songs with words” sprung from her lips on one occasion. Ok, maybe not verbatim, but still. You do it to yourself, you do, and that’s what really hurts.

so, I did have a point when I started this post. Oh yeah. I’ve come to discover about myself, that I’m more than a little slow socially. I’m slow to invest my emotions in people and situations that are out of my control. I’m hesitant to give of myself in ways that are not demanded or expected of me. I look out for myself primarily, because the only person who ever bailed me out of poor decisions consistently is long dead.

It’s all a learning experience, until you actually have something to teach. At that point, you might be like me, wondering, “why doesn’t anyone ask me to be their mentor”. Seriously, someone should ask. I do know a thing or two about reinvention, starting from scratch, pouring my heart out, and being reprimanded for even the slightest thought of giving up.

There’s a word that suits me well. Hypervigilance. I’m always scanning for threats, misconceptions, prejudices. I set out to right the wrongs without exerting my will too harshly. I have a need for justice. Still, I fuck it up all the time. Hypervigilance slides into paranoia in a rather slippery fashion. Tucking your shirt in can help.

Now, as I sit at home, safe & getting sleepy. I know a couple things about social imperatives. It’s good to lead with kindness first. It’s not unhealthy to be willing to give the shirt off your back when you have another at home. It’s well thought out to wonder if your kindness might be exploited. If you’re the laughing stock without any mercy, lashing out seems reasonable. However… do the right things to prove them wrong I suppose.

This weekend was a bit hairy. I lost it, reclaimed it, walked around, named it. I did a lot more than I needed to do. I was a lot more vulnerable than I needed to be. I also requested my next book from the library. I’m on a waitlist for it. I’ll let you know the call number once it’s in my hands.