There’s a lot you’ll never understand

I have a lot of restraint, believe it or not. I cherish my relationships with each and every person who is honest and remotely wholesome towards me. I also trust that people tend to have good intentions when they make a plan, but I also have a fairly good sense of the ill and the rot when plans fail to come to fruition.

My nail polish has the name of the first person who inspired me to try sober living… the proof that I can do it.

The cancer diet is a tough one to follow. You ought to look into it, see if you could do it. What would be difficult for you to give up? Also, I encourage people to look that up before they look up terms like immuno-compromised. I’ve been isolated and quite clearly, I’m not in that state.

I’ve had 5 surgeries in my life now, with 6 surgical locations. When I was young, they got me pretty ripped. My arms were absolutely toned and strong from using crutches. My waist taut after a back surgery that kept me rigid and flat as a board for a good 7 years after.

Thin is not my goal now. I’m no longer insecure about my body. My life has required a ton of bravery, resilience and more. To be misunderstood at this point – it’s just not an option.

I’m going for broke. This weekend is a lot of work for me. Social work, career oriented work, more home prep for a lovely place to die alone, should that be my last option. I’m finally in the place to put everything on red because I’m fairly certain I”m absolutely 100% ready to go, ready for the next chapter if giving, sharing, leadership, mentoring, honesty, & safety are not our shared values.

Lies are not acceptable from the people in positions of power. False leadership is not acceptable. Poor and insufficient resources are not okay. You also can’t claim loud and proud that it’s okay to not be okay, then not mean it. What do you think you’re putting us through, and to what end?

To reiterate for anyone still reading. I’m still waiting to see an oncologist. My area does not have them. We 100% know that I have cancer and what type of cancer it is. Trying to decipher the protocol from independent research is a fool’s errand.

I have to trust that I’ve already received the best care possible and will continue to receive adequate care when it comes to saving my butt. Yet, I’m reliant on medical oncology to transfer my care back to my smaller city. I’m reliant on my wit to get the nurses around here on my side should anything go awry.

I don’t dismiss feminine issues for anyone who might be wondering that. I’m a tough broad and I understand the sexist implications of using both B words. I just don’t think that looking pretty all the time should be our number one emphasis as women. There are things much more critical. Such as endurance, industriousness, cleverness, wisdom, charity, and pro-social intent.

Periods are an interesting phenomena, but not a socially acceptable discussion and we as women have to accept that. Some of us were shamed for staining sheets. If you fail to keep that in mind, it’s called internalized misogyny.

For a very long time, male cancers were my cause du jour. My dad died because of one of those and it was a warped, twisted saga. One I’m not prepared to endure in a friendless, lonely state.

I have a lot on my plate to handle and I’m not looking to shuffle the weight off onto anyone. People need people though. Sorry for crying to those who had to see it.

Now, I think cancer in general is my cause, but I also like the SPCA. I’ll probably start volunteering there once I get my medical oncology appointment handled. Considering I can no longer have a dog in the home that I purchased, I”m gonna need to get my puppy love somewhere.

Please also trust, there have been people who haven’t had my best interests at heart. I will continue working on my forgiveness to these people (mostly women), but that doesn’t happen overnight. There’s a lot to say, and not enough time to state my case.

Going for broke means dying with nothing. I have no person in my life who needs all my money. No one who I”m contractually obliged to leave it to. Tomorrow I’m starting work on my last will and testament. I’ve accepted the diagnosis and I’m okay if I die. Everything dies.