I have wound up in a situation where I have to trust that what people are saying about my treatment is correct. It’s very scary. I can’t retain much right now and the sheer volume of new prescriptions to get used to taking daily is a lot to take on.
There have been some macabre and spooky things happening. When I’m trying to relax alone, I get twitches in my feet. Kind of like pins and needles. When I try to relax with other people, I get soreness and muscle cramping. I also can’t handle much social stimulus because it overwhelms me right now.
The soreness is not well-managed by pain medications at the moment, which are drugs that are difficult for me to be on because I’ve railed against succumbing to substance abuse and addiction genetics. This family, my mothers-side is controlling and abusive and they don’t want their shit on blast. I barely have anything to do with them anyway. They never come up to Canada to visit and it seems as it’s out of selfishness for the most part.
On Friday, September 20th, I was informed that the cancer had spread into my spine, making it a stage 4 melanoma. There is no cure, but there is a treatment protocol that we are trying and it might prolong my life.
At this time, chaos started to reign. Simultaneously, I’m also emotionally devastated and I know that big changes, big decisions and all the rest have to be made. My ducks better be in a row for me to have death on my terms.
Further, my mom is going through her own health issues (forgetfulness, reliance on emotional support, taking medications as prescribed) because she’s a senior citizen. I don’t want her helping me much besides giving me rides, and helping me eat healthfully and with quality taste. I absolutely don’t want stuff from her, but she can’t help herself or change so it’s a huge drain on me emotionally and spiritually. This is a big leap back for me and I realize I have to limit time in my childhood home. A place that used to bring comfort, but is now only haunted.
I’m very easily triggered right now, so I’m opting for as much alone time as I can stand without ever actually being fully alone. Making lists isn’t working well. I really do have to take it day by day.
Yesterday, I spent quite some time trying to deal with things at my apartment. I was ranting and raving about all the ugly clothes and styles I never chose for myself because almost all of it was foisted upon me by a controlling, judgmental and overbearing mother. The things I need are too big to ask for from acquaintances. So again, taking it day by day – I might fuck up.
The phone I have been using was from my employer. It’s broken and I know they won’t care about that because it was about to be refreshed by IT anyway. However, their policy is to keep the number. They own the number and you aren’t supposed to take it with you when you leave… it was not my intention to leave ever… but my family has forced it upon me by their meddling and attempt to protect their own story. This wasn’t about them. I’ve already given it up to focus on imbuedexperiences… it is a not for profit at present and is intended to remain that way.
I let work know we need to make a plan about 3 weeks ago, just after receiving the stage 4 news. I didn’t want to be distracted by notifications or work email. As of today, Oct. 10, I’ve liberated myself from this by purchasing a new phone and I’m slowly transferring contacts to determine whom among these folks in my life I can truly trust.
One thing I wanted to do was to overhaul this blog into a bigger purpose. Celebrating the finer moments in life, seeing beautiful places on nearby road trips, pampering myself as a healing technique. The emotional pains, regrets, missed opportunities are all just too much to think about and I want to be proactive and get out of analysis-paralysis and into a reality.
Right now, I’m in a trance thinking I’ve got a blank slate. I’m not going back to try to fix anything with anyone. I’ll reach out to those whom I want to have my new number. I still have the goal of building connections, just baby steps on that one.
Imbued Experiences 
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