On risk taking behaviour, pedagogy, and being ready to go

I’m up at the crack of dawn these days, even with the peen in my system. Pine, pronounced peen, is what I call the olanzapine they prescribed me to help with racing thoughts and all the shit I can’t control. I have taken it as prescribed, & I have not had alcohol since a 7 oz. glass of wine on April 30th when I took my mom out to Earls in Kelowna.

Not everyone is so lucky as to make a bid for abstinence overnight like I did. Alcohol abstinence can cause delirium tremors for those with physiological dependence. However, I can abstain from alcohol for a little bit, and I already know that it won’t be for life, but it has to be for awhile, while what’s what get’s sorted.

My pain tolerance is what you might call “out of this world”. I’ve broken bones and bruised myself without reaction until triggered into whiny baby response mode. I’ve had 5 surgeries in total and never been addicted to pain meds. I don’t even take tylenol, and to be honest, I might love pain as a reminder that my body is real.

Right now, I feel like I’m waiting for my loved ones to catch up a bit. Like really people should be coming to me for some of their burning questions because I’ve been through enough to know this isn’t a drill. They (doctors, oncologists, radiologists) can’t see my lungs properly because I’m a complex medical patient. As I breathe in and out, I know malignancy could already be in my chest.

Risk taking behaviour is a joke to me. I’ve never been comfortable playing the victim card. I’m also hypervigilant. I avoid bad stuff happening to me at almost all costs. In my current paradigm, avoidance won’t work. I’m putting a moritoreum on spending until people understand the fallout of their decision making trees and reach out to me for a little guidance. It really is crucial and imperative if you’ve ever really cared about me, to follow through. Reading this blog carefully, you’ll know I don’t want stuff. I want for nothing. But self-abnegation isn’t going to work this time either.

Pedagogy is a practice of teaching that reinforces the systems that be. They’re pumping out self-obsession. They’re pumping out delusions of grandeur. They’re failing to treat everyone with the same standard. They’re failing to recognize those who need help who don’t have parents that are begging for it. Most parents know their kids are special – I don’t think that matters if the system only sees you as a student #.

I often describe myself as platform agnostic. I can learn how to use most devices through my trusty search engines. I don’t think I’m alone. Most people my age are deeply aware that we have to figure out and adapt to our own tools. But backward compatibility also matters, that’s making it harder to use our tools with every little system update.

Things falls apart towards entropy and there’s no cohesive pedagogy that will fix it. Everything written must be re-written. Every video developed must be voiced over. As Leo DiCaprio voiced Gatsby ” you can’t repeat the past… but of course you can”. Again, I digress.

In my world, you get up before the rest of the world does and you can get a lot done. You can put on the front that is required to be amiable. Unless you are aspirational, you will die out. That is how I ended up a nulliparous 40 something and ready to die alone.

I’m not depressed if you’re reading this. I’m not going to hurt myself either. I’m fully ready to ascend to the next plane whatever that may be. LIfe is no longer beautiful. Nature is merely cruel. I wasn’t a big sun-tanner again. Only ever bothered because tanned fat looks better than than white fat.

I write this as I’m awaiting a phone call from someone at BC Cancer, having already lost my credit card today, I know everything I’ve paid for must come to me before I spend more. Every tiny little gesture I’ve aimed towards. Every intimated favour, every single little promise. I’m ready for the magic.

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My social worker out of Kelowna called on time and that’s a big win. She also said it’s justifiable if I feel angry that my nurse practitioner didn’t re-order the PET yet. Well, yes, because that’s technically something called negligence legally, but I’m in no mood to sue anyone in civil court. Sort of not the Canadian way.

Disservices are done to folks all the time. Case loads are too high and unless you are the squeaky wheel, you won’t get the grease. My situation is context dependent. Already being prescribed the peen puts me at great risk of being tossed aside as some nutter. As much as people like to talk about stigma and how it hurts people, few want to do the hard work of challenging their assumptions.

If you read this and you care, I do need to know you care. I need shares, I need engagement, I need well thought out advice. I need people in my court to remind me if my life matters to them. No more gestures of care, no more “I wish there was something I could do”‘s.

Follow through is fairly critical in this type of situation. I’m intentionally trying to not make this anyone’s problem but my own. I’m attempting to go the stoic route, with only this as my outlet.

Remember your earliest pedagogues saying crap like “Do unto others”. It was advice more than a guide book, but still follow through might be the only thing that matters. Whatever your values are, live accordingly to the best of your ability & do your job when called upon. Know your job.

That might be my only takeaway.